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Seeking Feedback

As engineering managers, we spend a lot of time giving feedback – performance reviews, code critiques, project post-mortems. But how often do we actively seek it, especially about ourselves and our leadership? It's a surprisingly vulnerable act, and one that many of us shy away from. Yet, consistently soliciting and acting on feedback is arguably the single most impactful thing you can do to grow as a leader, build a high-performing team, and prevent performance erosion – as I’ve recently observed in my own reading and experience.

I’ve seen firsthand how a lack of feedback loops can slowly erode team morale and effectiveness. I’ve also been on the receiving end of tough feedback that, while painful at the time, fundamentally changed my approach to management for the better. It’s not always easy, but the rewards are immense. This isn’t about being “nice”; it’s about effectiveness.

Why Seeking Feedback is Different (and Harder) Than Giving It​

We’re often comfortable providing feedback because it feels like we’re in a position of authority, offering guidance. Seeking feedback flips that script. It requires humility, acknowledging that you don't have all the answers. It’s about actively creating space for others to tell you where you can improve.

Here’s why it’s harder than it seems:

  • Vulnerability: It feels risky to ask for criticism. We fear looking incompetent or inviting unwanted negativity.
  • Power Dynamics: Team members may be hesitant to be honest with their manager, fearing repercussions (even unintentional ones).
  • Assumptions: We often operate under assumptions about how we’re perceived and how our actions impact others. These assumptions can be wildly inaccurate.
  • Time Constraints: It’s easy to get caught up in the day-to-day and postpone these important conversations.

Building a Feedback-Rich Culture: Practical Strategies​

So, how do you move beyond the discomfort and build a culture where feedback flows freely? Here’s what I've learned:

1. Normalize Feedback as a Continuous Process:

Don’t wait for annual reviews. Make it a regular practice. I’ve found several approaches that work well:

  • 1:1s as Feedback Forums: Dedicate a portion of your 1:1s specifically to you asking for feedback. Instead of “How’s the project going?”, try “What's one thing I could do to better support you on this project?” or “What’s one thing I’m doing that’s working well, and one thing I could improve?”.
  • Project Retrospectives - Include Leadership: Post-mortems aren’t just for the development team. Ask your team to provide feedback on your role in the project. Were you clear in your expectations? Did you remove roadblocks effectively? Did you provide the necessary support?
  • "Skip-Level" Check-ins: Occasionally, have informal conversations with team members two levels down. This provides a different perspective and can surface issues you might not hear otherwise. Be clear that these are for your development, not as a way to circumvent their manager.

2. Be Specific in Your Requests:

“How am I doing?” is too broad. You’ll likely get vague, unhelpful answers. Instead, ask targeted questions:

  • “I'm working on being a more effective communicator. Can you give me an example of a time I communicated something clearly, and a time I could have done better?”
  • “I’ve been trying to delegate more effectively. How could I improve my delegation process to better support your growth?”
  • “I’m concerned I might be micro-managing. Have you ever felt like I'm getting too involved in the details?”

Here are a few more phrasing options to help you tailor your questions:

  • Instead of: "Am I giving you enough autonomy?" Try: "On a scale of 1-5, how would you rate the level of autonomy you have on your current tasks, and what could I do to help you feel more empowered?"
  • Instead of: "How can I support your growth?" Try: “What’s one skill you’re hoping to develop in the next quarter, and what support do you need from me to achieve that?”
  • Instead of: "What's one thing I could improve?" Try: “If you could change one thing about how I lead, what would it be?”

3. Embrace the Tools (But Don't Rely on Them Exclusively):

There are plenty of tools to help collect feedback. I've played with Vidhook, Survicate, and feedback.fish. These can be useful for anonymous feedback or broader pulse checks. However, never rely on these tools as a substitute for genuine, personal conversations. Tools are good for gathering data, but you need to follow up with individuals to understand the “why” behind the feedback.

4. The Most Important Step: Act on What You Hear.

Asking for feedback is useless if you don't take action. This is where many managers fall short.

  • Acknowledge the Feedback: Let the person know you've heard them and that you appreciate their honesty.
  • Explain Your Plan: If you agree with the feedback, explain how you plan to address it.
  • Follow Up: Check in with the person to let them know how things are going and to ask for further feedback.

5. Be Prepared to Hear Things You Don’t Want to Hear

It's not always going to be sunshine and roses. Be open to constructive criticism, even when it stings. Remember that feedback is a gift—an opportunity to learn and grow.

Leading by Example: It Takes Time, But It’s Worth It​

As an engineering manager, your actions speak louder than words. If you want to build a feedback-rich culture, you need to be the first to embrace vulnerability and actively seek feedback. I know finding time for these conversations can be challenging, but even 15 minutes a week can make a significant difference. This isn't just about improving your leadership skills; it's about creating a safe and supportive environment where your team can thrive.

What’s one small step you can take today to create a more open and honest feedback loop on your team?